Epiphany AKA Insight

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It’s Day 6 of my Self-imposed Session of Sobriety.

I’m extremely confident that I will achieve the goal.  Why the confidence? Because there was a time from December 2010 to January 2013 (25 months) that I lived a happy healthy alcohol-free life.

What happened to end the run?  I naively took a chance that I had somehow changed and become a person with new DNA that included the “Ability to Stop Gene”.  Nope.  Not me.  Wish I had a Moderation Switch – the ability that so many others seem to possess…have a couple drinks and then call it quits.

I’m an “All In or All Out Kinda Gal”.  I don’t have a drink for the sake of it – I drink for the pleasure of the buzz.  I enjoy it… well at the moment, rarely, almost never the next day when sobriety sets back into my life.

For me, the first drink is the problem – not the 4th, 8th, 12th or beyond (Yikes…not on numbers of drinks that could be binged and consumed…but did I just say ‘I had a PROBLEM?’)

I don’t believe there are coincidences. I think the Universe has been screaming at me for decades.  I don’t think it’s an accident that this one-month reflection commitment that I started on December 6th will ironically end on January 6th: The Epiphany (…the end of the 12 Days of Christmas, and other religious celebration traditions..like the 3 Wise Men showing up in the story).

Epiphany

a sudden, intuitive perception of or insight into the reality or essential meaning of something, usually initiated by some simple, homely, or commonplace occurrence or experience. (Dictionary.com)

What big perception do I believe I will have on January 6th?  I’m going to post it today and cross my fingers that it was I hope it to be…

I will become WISE and I will declare for my soul that there is no need to drink – ever again – in my fabulous wonderful lifetime.  

THIS IS WHAT HAS ME RATTLED.  Forever seems like a very long time.  A bit scary to be quite Fully Frickin Frank.  (And so I will explore this Fear and other set of Feelings over this month of being merry and bright…while sober!)

Here’s the thing.  I’m on Day 6, so I’m still in the Raw Regret phase. So, I’m still feeling down on myself with self-loathing and embarrassment and annoyance with myself from some of my drinking over the past two months.  My brain is full of the “incidents” all the way back to the year I started drinking in High School.  They are popping up like a Whack-a-Mole game so it makes it really EASY to commit to never drinking again.  Who wants to have that movie reel playing in your mind?

But, the really odd thing about my brain, my  marvelous mind,  …is it will start to forget all the bad memories, or lack of them from blackouts… {insert attempt at humor}…

…and once my body detoxifies and my adrenals calm down and I get some energy back into my groove, then my brain will FORGET, and the switch will flip, and that “problem voice” (soon be be named in a future blog) will start speaking to me and hinting and whispering it’s seductive promises of change:

  • You can go out and have a couple drinks and stop…like a normal person.
  • It’s easy to open a bottle of wine and not finish it…like a normal drinker.
  • You can leave a smidge in the beautiful wine glass and walk away from the restaurant table…like a normal person.
  • It’s simple and elegant to sip on just one cold icy martini …like a normal drinker.

Ummm…the problem: I’m not a normal person/drinker.  So here is what I need to record TODAY so that I can reread it in a few days or weeks and remind myself (and that voice soon to be named)

It is not normal to…

  • Feel buzzed and want to keep that feeling going … and going… and going
  • Drink for lengths of time that exceed the recommended sleep cycle of 8 hours.
  • Regret disclosing information in a conversation with a mere acquaintance.
  • Allow yourself to open a 2nd bottle of wine…’Only if you don’t finish it’.
  • Make up games with yourself to moderate drinking (like the one above).
  • Count how many drinks others are having or not having.
  • Mix up words, repeat a statement or funny story, or ask the same question…to the same person within the same hour.
  • Wake up remembering the scene, but not the details .. like what I ordered off the menu or consumed out of the fridge.
  • Find pictures on the phone that I don’t remember taking …or posing for.
  • Drink booze on the rocks to avoid the harmful sugars in mixers.
  • Have your teenager ask: “Were you Drunk Last Night?..You had that Look!”

I’m reserving the really ugly, embarrassing, regretful shameful stuff for later.  May I will have the courage to document it, get it out there once and for all.

For now, I leave on an upbeat note of self-acceptance:

It’s OK not to be NORMAL!

4 thoughts on “Epiphany AKA Insight

  1. But the wonders of sobriety will only start revealing themselves on January 6th.
    On February 6th you may only begin to feel at ease at social functions. On March 6th you may even go off the smell of liquor completely, as I did. But how will you know these things if you start up again on Jan. 6?

    If the idea of never drinking again fills you fear, you must read Jason Vale’s book. I ordered it online because it had a 5 star rating and a huge success rate. It changes your mind frame, which is the only way. See here: http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/11503271-kick-the-drink-easily

    Like

    1. Since starting the blog, I’m already feeling stronger and braver about really seeing myself as “never drinking again”… I’m so glad you just recommended this book…it’s sitting in my “cart”…and I now I am eager to get it in my hands. I really liked the snippet from Jason Vale regarding how society would never accept drugs like heroine or crack, yet finds it acceptable to encourage those who struggle with alcohol with comments like ” really…can’t you just have one drink with me…and then stop”??? Thanks YOU. I’m feeling less alone…and braver by the minute!

      Liked by 1 person

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