I am NOT a moderate

Oddly (or not), my father called me from his office the day I left for college.  He must have seen something in me in my 18 years on the planet that lead him to share this advise:

I have one word for you: Moderation.  You don’t have to do it all in the first month! 

It was almost a dare to go bonkers.  (Another one of my charming personality quirks…tell me not to do something…and I’m almost drawn to do exactly that… I’ve gotten into more trouble by doing a 180 degree from good sound advice…especially if it was in regards to my drinking.)

Ever had someone give you THAT LOOK…like “are you really pouring yourself another glass …or opening another bottle?”

Or

Having the Dear One touch your hand to signal your voice is getting too loud or sounding drunk?  That usually triggered the voice in my head

GAME ON…let’s prove you can really handle more cocktails…FU

I am off topic.

Moderation

Two Amazing Blogposts that came across my screen today:

I’ve been kind of shy on the Sober Blog pages.  I’m just getting back into the Sober Saddle and don’t really feel like I’m in a place to cheer or encourage on a very deep level.  But something in Boomerang Bang got me going in a multi-paragraph way so it was time to move it on over to my site.

My weight has not budged in a month either (1 month + 2 days sober). I hear you on that topic. In the past, I would have just said Fuck It and used the scale as an excuse to start up again! But I think I read it takes almost a year to fully heal the liver. (Anyone have that piece of info confirmed?) I was sober for 25 months, a few years ago…and things did continue to transform in Year Two.

But then I *dreamed* I had become a Moderate…and what I have learned in my almost 37 or so year drinking career…I have no “off switch”…I cannot be moderate. It’s not my 3rd or 4th drink…it’s the first drink. Oh…I played some games to keep me from going back to Day After Disaster/Shame/Negative Self Talk (only 2 glasses…morphed to only 1 bottle…to… only allowed to open one bottle-but can drink that plus any already opened bottle of wine)then I would wake up and congratulate myself for staying in the rule boundaries…but over and over…there always was THAT night that I was tired of following my crazy rules and just kept consuming…and then came the morning, and that made me — want to–try to– promise never to drink again. 

Now I’m here…and I’m not going to look back in the rear view mirror. Found a quote [earlier today]…think I have my blog post for today. 🙂

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2 thoughts on “I am NOT a moderate

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