Dodged a Bullet

The last few days have been filled with flashbacks of a bunch of drunken blunders of the past.  It’s been a real shamefest mixed with sighs of relief that some of those events didn’t end in tragic outcomes.  It has been a challenge to stay positive and not get down on myself.

I think I finally figured out what set the whole thing off.

My husband asked me to run an errand on Friday evening:

(Alert…I’m going to be talking about buying booze…if you want to avoid reading further…totally understandable)

“I just got a call from a client who asked if we could bring him a “Really Good Bottle of CHAMPAGNE when we drive up to the cabin”.  {Is there really such a thing as a Bad Bottle?  Well, of course, some are better than other for the first bottle…but after the second…all champagne and other cocktails taste “Really Good”… OLD THINKING BE GONE}

Me: “Sure… I can do that…what is the budget?”, “How many bottles?”… I was sort of giddy inside that I knew exactly what to buy, cause frankly, one of my talents (former)….is/ was…. finding and purchasing really good liquor!  I am a Bargain Basement Betty in all Consumer Treasure Hunts.

I had no problem marching into the speciality liquor store. I’m not tempted.  I don’t have any intentions of drinking it.  It was sort of fun to use my husband’s company card – spend someone else’s money- on some “ol’ favorites”.  No sadness that it isn’t for me…no wondering if I could now be a moderate after more than 6 weeks since having my last drinks (and daily blog writing is my reminder that I am NOT a moderate).

This was easy.  I was actually feeling really good about it.  Simple.  I can exist in the society that accepts alcohol, but not crack cocaine or heroine… But hey…I ‘m not out to change others…just live my own sparkly little life…  But…

But… then I got a little less confident when I recalled a time I had visited this couple on the mountain and one glass of chardonnay turned to many…and there was drunk snowmobiling with kiddos (hence the ending in tragedy picture show…because what ifs)…and I think I recall being told..yes I remember… me singing the lyrics of “Who Let The Dog Out” when in a visit to the loo (complete with the Who? Who?…).  Not one of my finer moments.  Not a disaster…but obviously a memory of … ‘wish that would not had happened…in front of my kids…blah blah blah’.

So…

  • What if we got invited in?
  • What if they wanted to pop open the champagne?
  • What if they poured me a glass when I wasn’t looking, before I could turn it down? Would I pretend to sip…but not really.
  • SERIOUSLY????  WTF….

I started filling up with my toolbox with how I would handle “an offering”.  Of course saying no thank you would be so much easier if I hadn’t obviously shown in a previous visit that I “like to drink”.

(The husband has noticed I have not been drinking…but because I have done sobriety for long stretches in our 27+ year relationship…I don’t think he has really heard me when I’ve said…I’m not drinking ANYMORE…)  So he isn’t really in my toolbox right now.  And I don’t want to start of huge discussion of …can we figure out a way to drop it off without staying to visit?…  I just figure I will make due…but….

That little tidbit of a former drunkfest made my “turn down line” a bit more complicated.  Or, at least, I was giving myself a hard time about it.  So…

I sat myself down for a little talking to…”Why are you doing this to yourself?” “Simply say NO Thank You and see where it goes…and how you feel…and then you will know what to say”.

I had resolve to not drink…but I was struggling with how to explain it-if asked…at a place I had been drunk before…sort of like going into your once favorite bar and dealing with the bartender who used to know you could suck down two to three times more than everyone else before it became obvious you were drunk (or so I perceived anyway).

Am I making too much of this?

I tend to get too caught up in being prepared (which is sort of needed-hence the toolkit)…but I really don’t need to play out every possible conversation diversion. Time to just get comfortable with myself…RIGHT?

We pull off the road, it’s snowy, I’m dreading having to be social…I just want to get to my own cabin before dark….AND

THEY DO NOT ANSWER THE DOOR!

Hallelujah!  I do a cartwheel in my mind.  I smile in my mind.  I say “Oh that is too bad honey…let’s just leave it on the porch”…and then my insides replicate that feeling of ding dong ditch…and a bit of…praying…please don’t let them come around the corner… Hurry up…let’s get out of here!!!   LOL!!!!!!

Happy Smile.  Phew….

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Bullet Dodged.

 

 

5 thoughts on “Dodged a Bullet

  1. Your agonising sounds VERY familiar to me. So many relapses have happened with me just not knowing what to say, being nervous and then just being so overwhelmed in those social situations where I used to DRINK. This time I am guarding my sobriety like a tigress and old drinking friends are just going to have to get used to the sober me. Glad you dodged the bullet:) xxx

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    1. Tigress! ROAR. Visited some other friends today on the way back and she was sharing all these pics from a vacation…all had alcohol! Yikes… I suddenly “wondered” for a brief second if I could moderately drink on my next vacation…NOPE. I’m going to have to do some big reprogramming.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Yes that alcohol mermaid voice is there in the background… My husband suggested last year that we only drink when were abroad. I almost kicked him in the shin. I know how that game works. First it’s abroad then its holidays then its weekends and before you know it you are back to scoffing bottles of wine and hating your life. x

        Liked by 1 person

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