Not my Circus…

…Not My Monkeys!

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I cannot believe how many times I got pulled into a drinking binge because SOMEONE else wanted an “Amusement Park Ride”.

I was a reliable drinking buddy.  I could be called upon to drop everything and join the parade.  I relished in my impulsivity and “Good Time” reputation.  I was a reliable wingman…and they in turn would always say “Hell Ya” when I suggested opening another bottle.  It made me, I suppose, popular in it’s own dysfunctional way.  Friendships rooted in Cocktail Connectivity.

If I have any regrets, could do it all again in college, I would have put myself and my own goals first.  I would have been less concerned about fitting in.  I would have spent some sober time with myself-getting to know myself- and what I wanted in life…what made me happy and content.  (But those were probably all emotions that drove me to drink…scary adulting sort of stuff).

I’ve been reflecting on WHO, in my life, I feel the need to wear Sobriety Armor when in a social situation.  Who I have to have my SOS Toolkit – packed and ready for action- when I see them.   This reflection requires “looking back” so I can be ready for the future.

I hate looking back at drunken mishaps.  But I think I have to unpack the situation I found myself in…to make sure I have new vocabulary, dialogue, and/or strategies for future social situations.  I don’t want to hide in my home- I want connections.

The times I drank to make other people comfortable with their own binge adventure.

Not my circus

They needed a celebration buddy.

Not my monkeys

… to drown their sorrows…

Not my circus

Relax after a long hard day, week, month, year, decade…

Not my monkeys

Sometimes I drank so that other people would feel better about their drinking.  Like it was some sort of empathetic response, because I had my own problem that required justification of drinking with others – as to not have that checklist line  “Do You Find Yourself Drinking Alone.”  (Which later I became just fine with…well I mean as long as there was telephone to phone a friend buzzed…or a smartphone to… OMG the games that could be played… CiiiiiiiRRRRRRRccccccUUUUUUUsssss)

I’m liking this Polish Proverb.

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2 thoughts on “Not my Circus…

  1. Oh yes, I know that people pleasing addiction well. I wish I had the wisdom of an older me put on my younger self. I wanted to please that I often neglected my own wellbeing. Thank God for age and maturity. I am happy to be the true me more and more. If people don’t like it then it is their thoughts about me, whether I choose to believe their thoughts or believe my own is so empowering.

    Liked by 1 person

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