…and now it seems…

I don’t know what to call this feeling.  (So this probably will be some sort of rambling hot mess of words to come….)

Maybe it’s the time of year.  THE SEASON of COMPARISON.  I hate this internal “competitive conflicted crappy” funk that sits in my gut (and monkey brain) as I see and hear of ALL the stuff that is being boasted in the village – Proms, High School Honors, All-Star Awards, Social Whirlwinds…

Is it my own FOMO?  (Fear of Missing Out)…and fear that my kids are Missing Out?

Should I have been “Pushing” my kids harder… demanding better grades… not allowing them to find their own way?  I don’t think so…

But then the “Season of Comparison” creeps in and makes me second guess myself.  (It doesn’t help that my husband is also, by nature, competitive and mentioning comparisons).

My inner core tells me that “Living Through My Kids”…is Wrong Wrong Wrong.

It’s tricky to manuever parenting teens.  As there birthday pushed them into the teen years, I sort of back off…adopted a Duct Tape Parenting approach.

But is allowing them to sleep in…to refill their cup on the weekends and through the summer…bad? Would they be accomplishing more if I dictated a routine?

I struggle with all of this….  (and more… I can’t quite articulate today)

Which makes me want to numb myself.

A good buzz temporarily makes all the uncertainty go away… (but I know it will be back with shame, regret, and self loathing)

Drinking at these celebrations and parties…could numb the comparing…but again…not a good ending.

I’m feeling bored and boring.

It’s time for change? Or is It?

I’m feeling lonely and disconnected (and fearful I’m modeling anti-social behaviors for my kids)…

And then I’m annoyed that I’d just be making changes to be a better role model…I don’t want to fake what adulting is…

I never wanted to miss a thing when I was their age?  They seem content to sleep…and eat…or not eat… or hydrate (which makes my Mom instant flare up)

So this is where I am…

And I’m not even sure I understand where the hell this is?

But I knew I needed to be here…in this place… writing…

…and that is a good thing…a better place to be…than “sipping” toward a place of negativity-with temporary numbness-THAT is stepping backward.

With that said…better to be stuck … and you know what, that can be my optimistic outlook for all of this.  I’m not where I was less than 6 months ago…

Happy May Day to all.  (Anyone remember weaving ribbon through strawberry baskets…and leaving flowers on neighbors doorsteps)

Awww…that’s it… I’m going to go buy some flowers.

It’s a day to BLOOM….(or at least remind myself that I’m working on it…)




7 thoughts on “…and now it seems…

  1. If it helps at all my kids are very similar. They prefer to do nothing over anything.
    I have decided to just go with that. I provide food and water (well, Pepsi. I admit it).

    At almost 12 and 14 they are good, introverted kids. Both smart. A bit socially awkward. But who isn’t?

    When they show interest in things…like this past weekends entertainment convention, I try to go. It motivated me too.

    You are doing the right thing.

    Liked by 3 people

  2. I wondered had we been separated at birth reading this😊 I have all those feelings, I just want to protect and love and mind and just be the best Mother and that has to be good right? But we end up exhausted and resentful( the one that’s the most dangerous for me) and overwhelmed. But we are sober and as long as we are well that’s,the best gift we can give our kids and very importantly ourselves S x

    Liked by 2 people

  3. One of the things I most appreciate about my upbringing was that my parents never pushed me hard in ‘their’ chosen direction. This left me free to choose my own areas to push myself in and gave me a sense of independence and autonomy. My ex had the opposite – a real ‘hothouse’ parenting style where everything was intensely pushed, expectations were high, love felt conditional on achievements etc. End result, he was one of the most psychologically messed up people I’ve ever known. The head-job that his comparison-wielding mother unwittingly did on him seems to have ensured he’ll never find peace in himself. I feel sadness for them both.

    I can completely relate to the awful state of comparison-anxiety. Our society seems to set up to make us do it all the time. Advertising and social media feed us airbrushed and edited versions of everthing we see and it’s so hard to see past this if we’re not feeling strong and sure in ourselves.

    It sounds to me like you’re doing a great job. Drinking wouldn’t help alleviate any of these problems and would just bring in a whole new set of problems. Well done for knowing this and staying sober. Wishing you a peaceful, sober week 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  4. You nailed it on the “airbrushing and editing”… is it any wonder all of our kids are so stressed out? (and I don’t want my teens turning to booze for self-medication).
    Thanks for the affirmation!!!!!

    Liked by 2 people

  5. I also struggle with the comparisons. My kids are small still but even now the SAT’s are bringing a Rocky Balboa, eye of the tiger competitiveness in the parents. They are getting tutors at 7? I refuse to get swept up in the hype. It’s hard not to second-guess yourself when you are constantly faced with these astonishingly competitive parents basically living vicariously through their children, I think it’s very damaging to the kids. I would like to think that when mine are teenagers I will approach it in a way that encourages and supports them but also allows them to make their own decisions (within reasonable limits of course) Cant be running away with the circus when you are 14.

    Liked by 2 people

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