I don’t know what to call this feeling. (So this probably will be some sort of rambling hot mess of words to come….)
Maybe it’s the time of year. THE SEASON of COMPARISON. I hate this internal “competitive conflicted crappy” funk that sits in my gut (and monkey brain) as I see and hear of ALL the stuff that is being boasted in the village – Proms, High School Honors, All-Star Awards, Social Whirlwinds…
Is it my own FOMO? (Fear of Missing Out)…and fear that my kids are Missing Out?
Should I have been “Pushing” my kids harder… demanding better grades… not allowing them to find their own way? I don’t think so…
But then the “Season of Comparison” creeps in and makes me second guess myself. (It doesn’t help that my husband is also, by nature, competitive and mentioning comparisons).
My inner core tells me that “Living Through My Kids”…is Wrong Wrong Wrong.
It’s tricky to manuever parenting teens. As there birthday pushed them into the teen years, I sort of back off…adopted a Duct Tape Parenting approach.
But is allowing them to sleep in…to refill their cup on the weekends and through the summer…bad? Would they be accomplishing more if I dictated a routine?
I struggle with all of this…. (and more… I can’t quite articulate today)
Which makes me want to numb myself.
A good buzz temporarily makes all the uncertainty go away… (but I know it will be back with shame, regret, and self loathing)
Drinking at these celebrations and parties…could numb the comparing…but again…not a good ending.
I’m feeling bored and boring.
It’s time for change? Or is It?
I’m feeling lonely and disconnected (and fearful I’m modeling anti-social behaviors for my kids)…
And then I’m annoyed that I’d just be making changes to be a better role model…I don’t want to fake what adulting is…
I never wanted to miss a thing when I was their age? They seem content to sleep…and eat…or not eat… or hydrate (which makes my Mom instant flare up)
So this is where I am…
And I’m not even sure I understand where the hell this is?
But I knew I needed to be here…in this place… writing…
…and that is a good thing…a better place to be…than “sipping” toward a place of negativity-with temporary numbness-THAT is stepping backward.
With that said…better to be stuck … and you know what, that can be my optimistic outlook for all of this. I’m not where I was less than 6 months ago…
Happy May Day to all. (Anyone remember weaving ribbon through strawberry baskets…and leaving flowers on neighbors doorsteps)
Awww…that’s it… I’m going to go buy some flowers.
It’s a day to BLOOM….(or at least remind myself that I’m working on it…)