Sex Ed

Sober Sex.

I’m not really “doing it” very well.

I have decided to get better “educated”.

I gathered some reading material.

And so it begins.

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I thought I knew “quite a bit” about the topic, but I was surprised to learn a lot of (what now seems very common sense) information about my own body, my brain’s role in all of this, and why I had lost interest in sex in my mid-50s (and it has absolutely NOTHING to do with being menopausal).

One takeaway from Dr. Emily Nagoski: We all have natural accelerators and brakes.

Unfortunately for me, just as I was dabbling in the personal journey of my growing sexuality, I was in the alcohol-rich environment of a “reputable party school” of higher academic learning.

Booze became my buddy to drop inhibitions, soothe rejection, mask awkwardness, heighten the fun factor.  Mr. Buzz, aka dopamine push, made anyone with me seem amazing and exciting.

It was artificial.  Like so many other parts of life that can get tweaked by booze.  Cocktails ramped up my natural accelerator…and probably, sadly, set some brakes that I may not have naturally been disposed to …for later in my sober life.

I blamed my change in sexual desire, over these past ten years, to menopause.  I thought I was aging and/or in need of fixing.   After Sex Ed class this week, stress is more likely the extinguisher of my sexual being.  (And I had the aha moment that the past ten years has been my journey in sobriety…not just menopause.)  My Sober Self wants MORE for myself as a Sexual Goddess than I allowed my drunk young self to ever experience.

Guess what else I used alcohol to manage… yep…. stress.   So I put myself on a terrible merry go round.  Drink to relieve stress… the dopamine fed my pleasure zone…husband seems more attractive to brain…inhibitions drop…I am more open to having sex (although it is dulled by the alcohol …but at least the partner is happy to be getting some… so the relationship can bob along).  But while this little roundabout was going on…my internal stress gets heightened by the effect of alcohol…and all the stressors are still there…and the biggest extinguisher of sexual desire is…. STRESS.

Shit Show Alert. I created a Sexual Stress Mess.

I need to reintroduce myself to a sexual self – a sober sexual being.

Lots of great information and ideas in this book.  New awareness.  New self-acceptance. Things I want to model and pass down to my kids.  Adventures to explore with my “significant other of almost three decades”.

If you want to see my notes click over to the Books I’ve Read page.

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